The Moonlit Mask

8th October 2001

Reena could hardly take her eyes off him. It was her first day at college and she already had a crush on someone. The tall-dark-handsome hunk, 2 years her senior was hard to avoid. The charm of a senior combined with the charm of his killer looks had the magical effect. She had never even looked at a guy before, let alone speak or interact. And even if she had seen a guy, she had never felt this way for anyone. It was the freshers' orientation, where the seniors were ranting away tips to the newbies, like what they should do to save their necks in tough times, how to safely escape ragging, how to complete journals and still not spend more than a few hours on it etc. But all that she could care about was the tall and silent guy in the gang of seniors, standing well behind in the group, talking less, smiling at times and looking uber-cool in his Metallica T-Shirt and Blue Jeans, with a rock-star hairstyle. She thought that the guy would eventually notice her, especially when she was blatantly staring at him and he did. Soon after the assembly dispersed Reena found herself moving towards him. Quickly she recovered and walked out of the room instead. He was looking at her walking away.

8th March 2002

Reena could not stop bugging her friends about how he looked, how he walked, how he dressed, how he SANG! Oh he was the best guy she had ever seen. Vinay had had enough. He dared her to go speak to him then, After all she wasn't even sure what his name was. Reena was positive that his name was Arjun but 'positive' was not good enough for Vinay. Reena dared Vinay back to get her introduced to Arjun then. Off went Vinay to get her an introduction. Reena ran after him in pure terror. What the hell would happen now? She had been happy being a silent admirer, it gave her the freedom to look at him anytime and anywhere without him realizing (or at least she thought so), hear him sing with his band - lost in the crowd, follow him around- basically stalk him. But she wouldn't be able to do that anymore if he ever got a whiff of what she was up to. But too late, Vinay was already there talking away to Arjun. She ran to a stop almost bumping into her hero and heard Vinay say - "She is your biggest fan you know, she only talks about you all the time". Reena's dream guy was standing right in front of her and she seemed to be having a paralytic attack. He smiled and extended her hand saying "I am Arjun", "I know that", Reena found herself saying. Arjun laughed, Reena swooned.

8th June 2002

Reena had run into him every single day since the last two weeks. Every single time she had made a fool of herself, stuttering, talking rubbish and not paying attention to what he was asking. She had made up her mind to ignore him for the next couple of days so that he forgets the embarrassing encounters. But as luck would have it, she was alone in the cafe and he was right there with his buddy. He saw her and walked upto her. She could not help but notice that he was at least 6 feet tall and that he had a stylish walk. He did exactly what she was dreading - invited her over to his table. She walked away with him, excited/anxious/tense- all at the same time. But if anything, she ended up loving the next 4 hours she spent there (having bunked all her lectures and practicals in the day), she had found an extremely good friend in Arjun. "He is a really nice guy to say the least", she thought. "She is the sweetest girl I have ever met"  is what he had to think.

8th October 2002

"Come on Reena, can't you bunk one lecture for me" Arjun cribbed. Reena was vigorously finishing her assignment that she had to submit during the lecture. She said "No Arjun, it's really important, trust me". A guy walked over to Arjun and asked for his autograph, after all he was a famous rock star now. Arjun looked embarrassed and only managed to say "Come on, I'm just a student like you. The day I am able to stand on my own feet, I'll sign your autograph". The guy walked away. Just then Rajesh came over and sat with the Reena and Arjun. He started "I have this stupid journal writing task, an assignment to write from scratch ,a term test to study for and a presentation, all due tomorrow and I'm sick today". He looked miserable. Arjun took away his journal and said "I can take care of this". Reena stopped writing to smile at Arjun, the first guy she had ever spoken to, whom she loved more than ever. His simplicity, his helpfulness, his "strong and silent" attitude, his dignity using the "don't talk more-don't talk cheap" rule. She loved him truly. He smiled at her seeing the sweet innocence in her eyes. She was no more than a child to him. Only like his own child.

8 years later-

Reena was home when she received it again. A message hidden in the fireplace. It read "If you ever truly loved me you have to come with me. This is the only way around. I cannot bear to see you with someone else". She already found tears welling up in her eyes. She knew what Arjun must go through, she herself wasn't happy with what her parents wanted. They wanted her to get married to the nerdy Aditya Iyer, who didn't know what she had been through in her past, didn't care what would make her happy, all he ever talked about was how good academics can fetch wealth and prosperity - complete with examples of fellow nerds who had passed out of the biggest institutes on planet earth. She loved Arjun till today. He was everything that Aditya wasn't- simple, modest, down to earth, caring and most importantly she could not think of a life without Arjun.

Just then the landline rang and she jumped. Her parents were away so she had to do the honors. As she received the call, her irritation increased manifold, it was Aditya. He always thought it was his duty to call her once everyday, no matter how boring the conversation ended up being and irrespective of what Reena had been doing at the time of the call. But kindness personified that she was, she never had the heart to snub him or hurt him. She just patiently listened to him and made a mental note of how he manages to veer the conversation in the direction of jobs, companies, profits, gains, merit and so on. But she was pretty sure she could hear another sound in the background. It was her cellphone ringing with a distinct ringtone which could mean only one thing, she knew who was calling. She kept Aditya on hold and received her cell phone "Arjun?" 

"Yes it's me, Disconnect the other line", said Arjun.

"But how do you know? Are you watching me? How?"

"That's not the point. The point is I still watch you. I will always watch you. Please do not put up with an idiot like him for your parents' sake."

Reena disconnected Aditya's call. Arjun hadn't called in a year. He always sent secret messages, she was hearing him after ages. And she felt a tremendous amount of energy in her from hearing his voice.

Arjun continued speaking to her.

"Reena please do as I say, This is the only way you and I could get together." said Arjun. Reena heard him word to word. She was afraid of whatever she heard, she could not in the least understand how she could unite with him if she did what she was told to do. But she promised him to follow every word of his instructions. She waited until evening. When her parents came home, she had the one last cup of tea with them because she didn't know if she would ever get this chance again. She tried not to cry. She spoke to her Mom about random things like jewelry, next door neighbor's problems etc. She would miss this mother-daughter connection. 

As night fell, she got prepared. She wanted to bid goodbye to her mother and father but it was risky. She drove to the lake near the forest as she was told. Then she prayed to God and stepped into the cool water. She started walking right towards the middle of the lake. She was doing exactly what she was told to do. She trusted Arjun more than herself. He would never have meant harm, she thought. She was soaked and cold. Within no time she was neck deep in water. She grasped the bizarre scene with her eyes. The sky was a moonlit mask. She had been looking around for Arjun to come. She still did not understand why he ever asked her to do this. May be he was under water. She closed her eyes as the cool water started swallowing her head. She was drowning. She felt her leg leave the bottom of the lake and a bit of buoyancy lifted her up to completely topple her. She knew now what Arjun had wanted. He had never wanted to rescue her. He had wanted her to die. But she was not sorry. She remembered everything. As she struggled to breathe, her not having learnt to swim appeared like a boon to her. She was waiting for life to escape her. As it did, she saw him finally. Arjun was right there, on the bank of the lake, his face was one moonlit mask. She had not seen him in a year, not once after he had the tragic car crash that left him dead. But he did not let go of her. True love never dies, she thought.  He never forgot her. And she could have died a million times to see him just this once. She now understood how he watched over her. She now understood how he could call her or send her messages using the ashes of the fireplace. Only she could not understand how she had come to forget that he was no more. She imagined the extent of trauma she must have undergone to forget everything.

She saw her own lifeless body come floating to the surface. She felt herself gliding towards Arjun and he took her in his arms. She closed her eyes in the warmth and relief that she felt.

She opened her eyes with a jerk. She was in the cozy comfort of her bed. But she was drenched in cold sweat. And she was sitting up. Her heart was still beating fast from what she had just seen. It was dead of the night, full moon glowing in the sky. She heard a sleepy groan next to her. "Are you OK?", he asked. She could just make him out in the dark, his face a moonlit mask. She smiled with relief and asked, "Do you know who I dreamed of?".
"Give a hint", he said.
"His name starts with an A...", she said.
"Not that same guy again", he said.
"I wont awaken you with details of my stupid dream", she said. "You need some sleep before your show tomorrow".
And the moon continued shining.

Travel through Time

Sometimes, in fact often, I feel a void inside me. I ask myself what should I be doing to be happy? Where should I be living to feel at ease?

From the moment I left my homeland, I knew life wouldn't be the same again. But I overpowered the sensitivity inside me and established to myself that I am not an emotional girl. I am practical in all aspects. I love to learn and I am starting a new journey of learning, an experience of learning in a foreign land is after all considered worth the efforts. I wanted to see what is it that we Indians had missed in our study systems.

It was indeed worth the experience. It made me realize what I would have missed out on if I hadnt taken that one brave step. But as time passed I understood that my learning didnt stop with the degree I earned. Probably far more than what I learned in school is what life in the US taught me. But this is not just another story of a girl writing about how she felt independent in life and how she learnt to cook, took care of herself, stayed away from bad people, used money judiciously. These are only some things I learnt.

But what did awaken in me were some very tricky thoughts. Thoughts straight out of the movie Swades, but alas it isnt that straightforward. There are times when I love this place, there are times when I want to go home. There are other times when I love the work culture here and shudder to think about what working back home again would be like. But there are other times when I don't want any of these. I look for a place that no one is aware of. A place like Malgudi (from the famous Malgudi Days). It suddenly dawns on me that there is not a single city in India that I don't mind settling down in. An ardent nature lover that I am, I don't like the concrete jungles such as the metros in India. If it has to be a city then why not the US!! Most ironically, India has the most beautiful natural places on earth. The hill stations, the jungles, the vast grasslands, the towns along rivers. But who has ever talked about going and settling down in Kodaikanal? But I want to...

Having said that, I suddenly feel that Kodaikanal is not the answer to my complicated feelings. I long for natural surroundings no doubt, but more than the place itself it is the people that make a place. And so comes the answer. I long for people of the past. I want to be born again in old times. I want to live amongst the people who despite being conservative, old fashioned, disciplined and orthodox, had hearts of gold. Those were the days when crimes were nonexistent, money was not a commodity, women were respectful, women were respected, culture meant everything, people didn't pretend to be someone else in the name of modernism, competition was only in games, generosity was not akin to foolishness, no one was ever deprived of peace of mind. I crave to go back to those times. Times of our great grandparents. Times of Malgudi.

When I say this to people around me, all that they have to say is - I am crazy. May be I am, but if I were to object my own feelings and find a reason why I could be wrong in longing for the past era, then there could be one such reason - that grass is always greener on the other side. :) Who knows the problems people faced in old times? Who knows what it was like to die of trivial causes, for medicine was still an unexplored area? Who knows what it was like to be shunned by society? These are only some things. But when we are talking of peace of mind, then these things do not count. People were happy despite their 'problems', or atleast appeared so. And today, it is hard to find the inner peace,it is hard to not be under stress, it is hard to simply relax and NOT do anything else. All we manage to do is keep ourselves too occupied to even think about it.

It's high time this modern age atleast invented a time machine....

The Haunt

A cold and cozy morning welcomed me as I lay in my bed, the curtains drawn on my beautiful bedroom’s windows. I dreaded to think I’ll be home alone for the day as mom and dad had left for Bangalore the night before. As luck would have it, bro had to be away on his business tour right in this week. I knew the enormous amount of chanting and praying that had taken me to fall asleep the night before, owing to the super-phobic girl I was, apart from the fact that I had never been left alone at home before. After speculating a lot on inviting friends home for a sleepover, I had decided otherwise, resigned to the worst and slept off with the lights on in my bedroom and a playlist of devotional songs blaring on YouTube (which I’d involuntarily switched off in the middle of the night in partial sleepwalk).

As the relieving sunrays invited me to start my day all alone, I enthusiastically got out of bed pretending to be unaware of the silent haunt the empty house threw at me.”Laptop, where’s my laptop?” was the first question that struck my mind. Once I had put on the devotional playlist once again I was put at ease. It took care of me finishing my morning chores. I was in no mood to play it for the third time, I was sure even God would shout out saying “C’mon give me a break!!”. So, I headed for my next solace- the idiot box. ‘Die hard’ was my choice of movie for the day, may be I needed some inspiration for bravery. Hunger overcame within no time and I found myself in the kitchen hunting for something that didn’t require my time or energy. As I settled down on bread and jam, I heard the TV going silent for some reason. My heart froze, not today, not now, not when I’m alone, not when I’m already scared. I put up a brave face and went to the living room to check out the TV. It was just Off! And the remote was untouched. There was no power failure. Surely, there could be something wrong with the TV.I switched it on again, ignoring my shaky hands. But Die Hard was hard to concentrate on now. My bread and jam was like paper to me now. I flicked through the various channels and BANG! There was a sudden sound! My pulse raced…Surely I hadn’t imagined that. It had come from upstairs. No way, I wasn’t going to check that out…I wasn’t going to make it through the staircase all alone. Should I call the neighbors? Surely I can save myself some embarrassment by not doing so. I chose to ignore the bang.

I thought that may be an empty house has a certain amount of scariness, so I should try standing in the balcony. But lo behold!! The balcony was locked…! Whoever did that? A padlock? And no key?? What were my parents thinking? I’ll fall off the balcony or something? Crap!! Now then, sometimes it’s good to be in the company of the idiot box. But before I could bring myself upto the creepy happenings in my house this fateful day, I heard what I did not want to hear. Weird sounds coming from upstairs again, like something getting dragged. And there was this creak coming once in a while. Looked like I had to brave the staircase after all, for all I knew there could be burglars in my house. I had to act with presence of mind.

I wished I had a gun, not that I know how to use it. I wiped sweat from my brow, prayed to God, increased the volume of TV and headed up the stairs. One stair at a time, the TV volume fading as the creaks grew louder. I must be getting close to the source of sounds. There was a chair fallen on the landing, explaining the bang that had come before. My heart was pounding; surely the sounds weren’t imaginary if there were signs like these around. The room on the right seemed to be the source of the mystery. It was dim on the landing, I could make out the door of this room slightly open.

I pulled up all the courage I ever had and pushed the door slightly, the creak growing louder and louder, I opened the door completely and …….there was a hand right in front of me, jutting from behind the door! I screamed with a voice that would have shattered the windows, what the hell was here!! But wait, the hand had a Timex watch! It was my brother!!! Jumping out from behind the door and rolling on the floor laughing….he looked at my dumbfounded face and said ‘Sis you thought I’d leave you alone when I know you get so scared, I came back yesterday night when you were asleep with your divine songs’. That explained a lot of things, the mysterious happenings of the morning most of all. I didn’t know how I was supposed to feel. I wanted to hit him, but I was so relieved to know the identity of the ‘burglar’ after all. “Well Thanks” I said, ”I’m sure I was better off alone, I hope you never get so courteous towards me again”. “Well I’m sure you’ll never get scared again” he said. Ah well, I had to agree. J